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“People always want someone to tell them what to do. They may pretend they don’t but they really do. That’s why Agony Aunts, clueless motivational speakers, ‘How To’ and unending listicle writers, fucked up therapists, and phony preachers keep thriving. People continue buying their bullshit instead of seeing right through it.”

“But those columnist really give good advice, they have lots of experience.”

“Experience my black ass.”

“If they don’t, then why do people keep writing to them?”

“Have you ever wondered how a writer can write a book on 1000 ways to write a bestseller but he has only one book that is a best seller?”

“Is that the answer to my question?”

“Yes! 1000 ways to write a bestseller became a bestseller because people flooded to buy it hoping they can find an easy code, a quick switch to writing a best seller.  The so called experience is a fallacy.”

“You are just hating.  It’s business.”

“My uncle told me about a man who wrote a book titled How to Become a Billionaire. He was hawking it at a motor park, one of the travelers offered to buy the author a copy of his book. According to the traveler, the man should take his own advice, read his book and become a billionaire instead of writing a book and touting it. The broke author merely shrugged and replied, ‘I will become a millionaire when I sell this book to 5000 people for just a thousand naira. And then I will write a sequel. You will even buy a copy then because you will want to be one.’ That’s the kind of business you applaud?”

“It’s his selling point. He is merely leveraging his opportunity. Talk about vision and foresight. That guy have tons of it.”

“You see a phony man selling a secret he doesn’t have and you applaud him? Anyway It’s not illegal, that’s why people get away with it. This shit just makes stuff like writing more terrible for those who slug through sweat and blood producing quality content.”

“Why don’t you learn to market your content instead of hating those who sell theirs and make profit?”

“That’s my problem with society. You guys are quick to call someone a hater. Will you allow a self-proclaimed doctor who intends to attend medical school perform surgery on you?”

“That’s a different scenario entirely. Don’t box me into a corner.”

“You are already in a corner. I don’t need to throw punches.”

Fake Plate Quote (Chalkboard)

Fake Plate Quote (Chalkboard)

“But that’s different. Art is a different ball game.”

“Art is an extension of living. That’s what… So if you won’t trust your body to an unqualified person why become negligent when it’s your mind?  Or don’t you know art shapes our thinking?”

“Art is inspiration. Those so-called fake artists are just very inspired people and you are hating.”

“Inspiration my black ass. If I’m on a plane about to crash and there is an inspired lawyer and an amateur pilot, I know who to choose.”

“The inspired lawyer right?”

“Yeah, the lawyer if what I want is to draft a will. Experience trumps inspiration my friend.”

“Donald Trump?”

” You can be low-key stupid you know shebi?”

“You said Trump nah. I thought you meant Donald.”

“No, it’s Buhari.” 

“Anyway sha, whether Trump or Clinton, inspiration is everything.”

“Have you ever seen a drab movie, or read a book about politics that sends you to sleep? My friend, when inspiration meets experience magic happens, but if you are to take only one of them home for the night make sure it’s experience. Don’t let inspiration fool you. She has nothing to offer.”

“You will say anything to support your initial claim?”

“And what is that?”

“People who tell others what to do have no business doing so. Everyone knows you are a cynic.”

“Name calling now ehn? You should learn to separate the man from the idea. You’re making me feel like I’m the issue behind this issue.”

“Like you didn’t just call me an idiot. You are a cynic! I don’t understand why you want to make that an issue. It’s a none-issue at most.”

“Stop trying to sound smart, you are not.”

“So you are the smart one?”

“I only said you are not as smart as you think you are.”

“And by inference you are smarter?”

Face &middot

Face & Middot via Pinterest.com

“I am not going down that route with you. The issue here is artist who sell their art when they aren’t qualified enough to.”

“So when should they sell their art? Do you prefer they wallow in the pit of self-doubt? Constantly second guessing themselves until depression chokes them to death?”

“Why do you always like the extreme? Every artist need self-doubt to do better but you ought to know what I mean is not what you are saying.”

 “And what is that?”

“People should earn street credibility before hitting the street and declaring themselves king of the jungle. It sets dangerous precedents for those behind. Work, toiling and second guessing is essential for every sphere of living, not just art. You work your way to greatness not fake your way into it.”

“You are just bitter and broke. If you had cash your views would have been different.”

“Why do I even bother debating with you?”

“Because you can’t find anyone more intelligent.”

“If I hear, intelligence my black ass. You come into every conversation with your mind made up. Everything I say, facts or not go through one ear and out the other.”

“Yeah. Time to begin your lecture on Post Truth and how facts are no longer enough to win an argument.”

“A debate, I don’t argue.”

“Whatever keeps your heart pounding.”

“But why are you —”

“Cynical? Have you forgotten that thing about name calling?”

“Stop putting words into my mouth. You are not —”

“Yeah, you are the geek. First of His name, defender of the wise.”

“I don’t even know why I keep arg… whatever. You do this every time.”

“I am the smartest person you know, you’ve said so several times.”

“No, you are not so smart.”

“Just shut up and let me gloat in my victory. I do not always outsmart you into giving up even though I’m not so smart.”

PS: I will be sharing conversations of abnormal-normal people every Thursday in April. If they sound like you, then I will advise you get out of my head. These conversations are fictitious.