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Being human is no mean feat. Since so many Homo sapiens walk the surface of the earth disguised as man a proper orientation of the little technicalities of being human is essential.

Picture of a boy sitting


Below are several scientific steps to take to be human.


Hate; forget that bullshit about loving your neighbour.

Hating is allowed, besides you have many haters already. People who do not want your progress, those who diss you, talk behind you, and hate you because you are you. So hate, forget love. Hate is the real universal language. It is what defines us as humans and has existed before life began. So why be the one to stop hating?



Forgive and forget?

Dump that in the dustbin, when someone offends you, do back then forget. How else do you expect them to learn? They slap you on one cheek turn the other cheek. But not your cheek, turn their cheek and be certain the call you dial on their face leaves an autograph of your five fingers. If they take your one eye, take two of theirs. Then forget it ever happened. Do back, then forget. You are being human.



Become an expert at using people because that is what they are meant for.

 They are tools meant to be used. Life is all about appealing to self interest, nothing more nothing less.Friends and Family are only important as long as it is convenient, when they cease being a means to an end, discard them as you would a used condom.


Lie in all thine dealings.

The truth imprison you, don’t dare tell an ounce of truth. Forget honesty, honest people never survive. Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheaters never lack. Humanity has no place for honest people, if you want success, deception is an art to be perfected. Dive when you are not kicked, shout when they are even a mile off. Do everything and anything to turn situation in your advantage. Be the Da Vinci of con artist.



Don’t just step on the toes of others, give them a punch in the face while at it.

Act first think later about the consequences of your actions. It’s all about the instinct. Hormonal response is always the best response in every situation. Human beings are meant to react not to think. You think only when you want to do good sizzling evil.


Forget the Idea of God.

God is a myth, an imaginary sky daddy fairy tale people tell to keep others in line. Dump faith if you must embrace something embrace fate. Everyman for himself, God for none of us. You are your own god. Or haven’t you heard your are the architect of your own destiny?


You can Fuck Karma, don’t let her fuck you first.

While at it make sure you make her bleed, sodomize her. Tie her spread eagle and mutilate her. Karma is a bitch, if you deal with her with kid blows, she will wreck you in pieces. Fuck karma so hard that the hairs on a neck will stand erect at the mention of your name.


Do drugs, drink and drive.

Life would not be fun if you do neither of these things. These three are the most essentail requirement of humanity. And  you are in heaven on earth if you do all three. Moreover you are in the Dubai of heaven if your can drink a vintage wine, drive a Lamborghini, flaunt bling bling, while sniffing that white powdery stuff, you are more than human. You just became a god.


Join the tirade, canvass for popular opinion. Do not have a mind of your own.

Do whatever is popular, be it  #IceBucketChallenge, #SiaBuhari , #IAmNotCharlie , #BringBackOurGirls , #Ferguson, dancing shoki,  doing the duck face, snapping selfie, faking an American accent,  saying ‘shit!’ ‘Yo’ ‘ganna, warda, wanna’ in  every sentence you make. Whatever other people do, just do it too.


Sex! Sex! Sex!

Do sex as many times as the number of stars in the universe, forget about STD’s, unwanted pregnancy, being faithful to your partner, spiritual death, food, social, health and economic implications. Continue to soar in the height of ecstasy, while licking, jerking and sucking away your life. You are human, sex is a beautiful thing.


Be religious!

Forget about forgetting God. Be extremely religious. You need something else to release steam. Remember to emphasize your God is the only God and any infidel who refuses to believe in your God is doomed for judgement as you please. First in this world and in the next.


Forget about being polite.

It is the mark of an educated mind not to entertain a thought he is certain not to accept. Ram your beliefs, thoughts, ideas, principles, whatever the jargon you call it down the throats of others. If they choose to get into an argument with you and you are running out of points, raise you voice. Trade insult. Call their mothers sluts, it works every time. You certainly will win.


 Join politics, no don’t join. Be an activist, no don’t be.

You get the vibe? In other words be a political flirt. Dance to the tune of the piper if the odds are in your favor play. If the odds are not in your favor get placards, hire other people, brainwash them and start a mass protest. Don’t forget an hash tag on twitter, how else do you expect your stuff to go viral?


Forget education, just make money at all cost.

Forget what Fifty cent said, get rich or die trying. That is a lie from the pit of hell (Yes hell exist and if you don’t like it, fuck off) Get rich or kill somebody to be. Have you forgotten money answers all things? Get the money first and every other thing will follow. Certificates, love, health, peace of mind, sex, children, family you can even buy other people’s conscience. How good can it get?


Be Greedy, Be needy. It is all about you.

Do whatever makes you happy. That is the most vital part of being human. If it makes you happy, forget about  what every other person thinks. Just do it. Whether it’s breaking a bank’s vault, strapping a bomb to your chest, spraying several rounds from an AK47 on your classmates, ripping people off, having sex with your dog, bonking your grandfather’s grandmother’s boyfriend. It’s your life, forget about the opinions of others. It doesn’t matter in the long run, your happiness is your priority.


Take human life, it’s allowed. It’s not murder. It is self preservation. You can do via spiritual arrows, hired assassins, fasting and praying for them to die, by any means possible. Kill! It’s allowed.


The steps to being human are many, and I have many more, But I want you to digest the  principles I have shared above, it has been scientifically proven, so stick to it.


PS: Don’t get it twisted. I am responsible for what I write, not for what you interprete.