Arsene Wenger once said, “Everyone thinks they have the prettiest wife at home.” It’s the same with birth month. Everyone thinks his/her birth month is the best, and that supposedly makes him or her special. I don’t really know much about the special thing though, I only know that we are all vain, and what we define as special is just luck. A misguided sperm accidentally bumped on an ovum along a dark corridor and Voila! We came into existence. Then we are told we were born on a particular day and month, we believe and worship it. Talk about brain washing. Blessed are those who do not know their dates of birth, you were not brainwashed (you were brainwashed in other ways, so don’t celebrate yet.)
So being born apparently makes us special. Chosen to exist. The Usain Bolt in a race of sperm.
But the other side of the coin says it also makes you a mere probability. A random coincidence in the big sphere of the universe. Therefore, when pride comes wearing high heels, a corset and fake boobs, remember you could have being a sperm stuck in a condom and flushed down the toilet. Okay, when you were conceived there were no condoms. Lucky you, but your father could have spilled his sperm on your mother’s laps. You will be dead before you became alive. You could have ended up crushed in a tampon, flushed down the toilet. Or better still you could have been a statistics of abortion, a human who is not yet human flushed down the toilet. You must have realized now that the chances of you ending up in the toilet was huge. But you made it. You bullied your mum for nine months and forced your way out through the tiny opening between her legs — hopefully your big head came first. No need to celebrate yet though, you have not escaped our inevitable end. All humans are doomed to become dust unless you die a graceful death of being vaporized. That way, other humans will breathe you. There really is no escape from this maze.
Whenever you want to wear smarty pants, I am better than you T-Shirt and uber-intelligent shoes,sag your awesomeness and remember how insignificant you are. If you were to become extinct now, the universe won’t notice your absence. Shocked? Do you notice if/when a tiny strand of your hair fall off? I guess you don’t. Moreover we are speaking of hair, you are not even big enough to become the tiniest strand of hair of the universe. Probably our planet or solar system is, but not you. If the universe ask its tiny components to attend a meeting you won’t get the memo. Don’t hate me, ask science and religion. They will give you more depressing stats. So strip, go nude and accept your place of having no place among the most significant things in the universe.
Not yet ready to accept, I have more facts for you.
Human beings are the most complex creature ever. We are also the most intelligent and that’s why we are called Homo Sapiens. Wait, don’t start smiling yet.
46, 48, 94 those are not just numbers. They are the number of chromosomes of a typical human, chimpanzee, potato and a goldfish. If you are human, it means you have 46 chromosomes. Potatoes and goldfish have more than you do — they have 48— the goldfish has the last number, almost twice of yours. My advice; eat more potatoes for more chromosomes. Another shocker is that genetically you are 98% similar to a chimpanzee, I didn’t say that. Science did. So live with it. If you don’t know, chromosomes is what makes you look like your parents. So a baby chimpanzee has more chance to look like its father than your kids have to look like you.
The short form of the long form of this post is that you are just another human. Yes some animals are more equal than others — thanks George Orwell— but we are all animals. If you are not comfortable with the animal thing, you can call yourself human. But that doesn’t change a thing. You are an animal, you can add higher or more intelligent before the animal if it makes you feel better. Don’t fret though, we are in the animal business together. My shares in the animal kingdom is high. I will advise you accept what you are, buy shares early and observe your dividend grow. Unless you prefer to become a plant which is even less noble. Goats will lord over you, eat you, piss on you and you will depend on their shit to survive. Better join the animal train, at least you will be a kind of animal that can eat goats. And the deal doesn’t come with horns. Imagine if it does? No more Brazilian hair, Brazilian horns maybe and we will have cream and relaxers for our horns. What a glorious sight.
Have I told you the essence of this post yet? Be humble. I just did. Don’t have an unreasonably high opinion of yourself. Your animal rights and breathe can be snatched away in an instant. Ask victims of suicide bombings and senseless murders. There is no big man in the after life, only dead people.
Arsene Wenger is the stepfather most Arsenal fans want to get rid of but can’t. When he started dating their mum, he gave them many beautiful presents to steal their hearts but now there is no P, only resentment.
Arsenal is a football team in England.
Football is a ball people kick with their feet. I didn’t say foot because you kick the ball with both feet and any part of your body that can kick except your hands.
England is a place on planet Earth.
Earth is the planet you are on, unless you are reading this from space.