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“It wasn’t up to 100. The media should stop inflating figures to make it look like a huge tragedy. Moreover, most of the allegedly 50 people killed were criminals. They refused to evacuate a troubled zone, probably looting what others left…”

“Sir, does that make it less of a tragedy?”

“Ehn… I should add that they had questionable morals. Their beliefs and sexuality are against societal norms. I don’t really see much of a tragedy in it.”
“Sir, so they are worthless because of their religious beliefs and sexuality?”

“Why do you people always like twisting words? Tomorrow morning you will now publish a misleading headline…”

“Sir, what do you mean then?”

“You said you did not really see much of a tragedy in it. What do really mean? My colleagues and all Nigerians would love to know.”

“Next question.”

“Sir you haven’t answered my…”

“I said next question. If you don’t want to cooperate the security can show you the exit? Hey you! Yes you! Your question.”

“Can we get the names of the victims?”

“Are you that disrespectful? You can’t even say sir? Youths of this generation.”

“Sir, can we get the names…”

“So you can say sir? Anyway, if we announce their names how many will ring a bell? What difference will it make?”

 

“A lot of difference. Several families are worried about their loved ones still missing…”

“Nobody significant died, if that’s what you are asking.”

 

“Nobody significant? So that’s why it’s not much of a tragedy?”

 

“Did I permit you to talk? Which kian girl be this? Is that how you talk to your husband at home? Oh you don’t have a husband. Who will even marry you?”

“Sir, could you please stick to the basis of this Press conference instead of attacking me…”

“Shut up! Look at this small girl. Do you know who I am? I can buy you and your entire family.  Nonsense. Just because someone decides to be open in governance you think you can ….”
“Sir, with all due respect I cannot sit here and listen to you rant like a child…”

“Jesu! Me, child? Do you know I have Children older than you? Security, comman bundle this ashewo out of here. That’s why I keep telling my colleagues to stop following small small girls. Just because you have seen penises with grey hairs you think I am your mate? Security!”

 

“Sir we cannot sit here and watch you insult our colleague.”

“You have to apologize sir.”

“She didn’t insult you so you should not insult her.”

 

“An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us.”

 

 “Then the security will bundle you all out of here. Do you know who I am? I am a Minister! A Minister! Not a nobody you can talk to anyhow.”

“Sir…”

“In fact, this thing is over. You people can talk to yourselves. Nonsense.”

 

****

171923228002201

Quaking

“Sir, you are trending on Twitter.”

“Where is that?”

“Twitter.”

“What?”

“You have the app on your phone.”

“I have a place on my phone?”

“You are trending there.”

“Trend what? I have not gone anywhere after that ashewo girl insulted me.”

“You have oh. On Twitter, Nigerians are attacking you there.”

“Why?”

“Because of what you said.”

“So? Get the police and arrest all of them. Why are you my PA?”

“Sir, it’s not that easy.”

“What am I paying you for?“

“Sir they are online… Online, as in the internet.”

“Oh! Internet. You should have said so. We will turn off the internet then.”

“We can’t sir.”

“We can’t do what? Do you know who I am?  Do they know who I am? Ehn Ehn. So it’s because they can subscribe shebi? Dial that NCC chairman’s number, we have to make this internet thing expensive so they can stop insulting me. “

“How do you want to do that sir?”

“Order him to increase subscription.”

“But sir, it is not like fuel o.”

“Shut up! Do you know where you are? This is Nigeria!”

 

 


 

Strange Words

Ashewo — a prostitute

Shebi — an exclamation

NCC — Nigerian Communications Commission


 Photo Credits

Featured Image:  www.pixabay.com

 

 

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