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“If he must be an idiot, at least he shouldn’t be a stupid one. He’s got an idiot-proof phone and still couldn’t use it. It’s not like he is an illiterate. Dude reads Tolstoy. He can even floor Prof. Soyinka in a game of words.”

“What if he is not just a techie?”

“Not just a techie? In this modern world who doesn’t know how to operate at least one gadget?”

“My grandma.”

“Your granny is 103 years old. She’s being blind since like forever, has a stroke, and never even went to school. So she gets a pass.”

“Hey careful. It’s my grandma you’re talking about.”

“Starting to feel like she is an Egyptian mummy? She could as well be one.”

“Hey! Careful.”

“I apologize. But you are defending the indefensible. A jury of blind and dumb imbeciles won’t hesitate to pass him guilty.”

“Now who is the idiot? Too many American movies. We don’t do jury here. You should be aware of how the law works here instead of bingeing yourself fat with Suit —”

“And How to Get Away with Murder. Annalise Keating is bae.”

“You see what I’m talking about?”

“Tobi is a stupid idiot for being unable to operate a phone but —”

“Tobi can’t even operate a TV. Or a Microwave.”

“And you can’t even tell jury is for the US. We do judges and lawyers here. No DA and all those crap you see on Suit.”

“And How to Get Away with Murder bro, don’t forget to add that.”

“Just shut up. Next you’ll start talking about FBI. We don’t have those here too.”

“But we have the CIA?”

“You are a lost cause. How can we have the CIA? Bro, we are not Americans. You should stop watching those TV shows. They are making you dumb.”

“Tobi is the dumb one. Not me.”

“Tobi is aware of what is happening around him. He knows about local politics and the government policies that shapes our economy.”

“What do I need those crap for?”

“That’s your problem. You are so obsessed with the US. You know everything about Donald Trump and Putin. But on matters of home your brain is empty. Who then is the idiot?”

“Wait, you dey compare me and Tobi? The dude cannot operate a DVD. His brain goes offline when you place a Laptop before him. And you are comparing me with him? Haba! Kuku kee me.”

“But he is aware of his environment.”

“Who says I am not? I know about global warming. I know about the latest development in stem cells and genetics. I can write a paper on the dangers of Botox and plastic surgery, I know everything about Black history Month and how the Indians lost their lands to the Europeans —”

“Do you even listen to yourself? Bro you know nothing about home. Remove the speck from your eyes before the log in your neighbor’s.”

“You are just myopic. You are not thinking global.”

“What’s the use of being global when you are irrelevant in your locality? ‘Think global but start local.’ Haven’t you heard about that quote before?”

“So I should start watching local TV stations so they’ll reduce my IQ?”

“But you listen to local music.”

“That’s music. Music is different. Besides I only listen to few local artists. Do you want to see my playlist?”

“You are beyond redemption.”


“Just stop it. That’s a phrase reserved for Tobi. Do you know Tobi still thinks a digital camera uses film?” How dumb can an idiot get?”

“Can you even make five sentences without referencing Tobi? If common sense was on PlayStore I would have given you my Wi-Fi password so you can download some.”

“And what does that mean?”

“If you had any common sense you would have understood that. Even the dumb Tobi will know what I mean.”

“Yeah! You agree Tobi is dumb.”

“He is not a hypermetropic American obsessed junkie like you. He knows what is happening around him.”

“And how far has he gone with that knowledge? Spare me the sermon abeg.”

“I already did. Stupid is as stupid does.”

“Yeah, I know you were referring to Tobi.”

“No, mumu. I was referring to you. Tobi might not know how to operate anything but he understands people. He sees around him, unlike you.”

“Haha! I hear. Tobi is a genius. Clap for yourself. You should give him a Nobel prize.”

“And he will win one someday.”

“Wait, do you want me to get angry intentionally? The only Nobel Prize Tobi can win is if they create a stupid category. They will even have to stop it because Tobi will hijack all the prizes. There is no idiot like him in this universe or any other universe NASA will discover. He is the SI unit of stupid.”

“And you?”

“Do you need me to say I am the voice of reason in your head that keeps you sane?  Shut me out, nah mad you go just mad. Next thing you know you will be chilling in Uselu or Yaba Left.”

“Just shut up!”

Haba : An Exclamation

Kuku kee me : Just kill me

Mumu : Fool

Uselu : Federal  Neuro-Psychatrist Hospital Uselu, Benin City, Edo State, Nigeria.

Yaba Left : Federal  Neuro-Psychatrist Hospital Yaba, Lagos State, Nigeria