I can kill cockroaches with a stare, but with rats I pretend they are not there.I let them go in peace. Run into a rat trap or eat poison, but death by my hands — Never. Rats and cockroaches are not my friends.
Dogs don’t scare me. I don’t fear them, I am only afraid when they are big or stray. Most Nigerian dogs know no chill, they will start barking whenever they sense you from afar. Ain’t Dog supposed to be man’s best friend? Cows are the rats to my dogs. No one can tell when a cow goes mad. Dogs obey when they are ordered to stop, but a raging bull is deaf. Cows are only my friend when they are dead and are meats in the soup.
I have a friend who doesn’t like the Nigerian police. We always tell him the police is his friend.
“A friend that always collects,” he would reply. “You go to them you pay, they come to you you pay. The Nigerian police is a POS, they accept payment anywhere and anytime.”
My friend likes the Nigerian soldier less. He had a severe case of brain formatting slap. Despite numerous therapy and prayer sessions, his life never remained the same again. My friend has that slap forever entrenched in the constitution of his soul.
I hate when a text enters my phone. The telecom guys want to match make me by force. Several times a day I get a message from them;
“Pamela wants to chat with you……”
I don’t want Pamela, is it by force? I don’t even know her or if she has a wife material.
Besides if only they just text I will not be mad. They now call me at random. First they started with a code and when I refused picking they changed the number. Since then, anytime I figure it out they use another number. Pamela must love me pretty hard.
Anyway I have solved the magic puzzle. The Nigerian animal,Police or Soldier is not your friend, the telecom companies are. They text and call several times a day. Picking their calls means you have subscribed to what you do not know. They are always giving you awoof — Look before you leap or else you cannot leap again.
Thanks to them no Nigerian is ever lonely. At least five times a day they will always check on you. Begging you to subscribe for a prayer or get menstruation tips (yes they sent me that. I wonder if they think I want to do a Caitlyn Jenner.) They can’t make up their mind if I am a Muslim or a Christain. As they always alternate Bible and Quoran quotes. Thank them for ensuring I have not lost my faith. I appreciate you alot. If only your credit/airtime is affected whenever you text or call, we can then know for sure that our love affair is real.
Finally, special shout out to the special folks who add people to Facebook Groups without asking for permission . You are the real MVP. I have decided to secretly nominate you for the Block Award. Don’t worry, your reward is online and not in heaven. Very soon Facebook will add you to the group of people who can’t access their accounts. And they won’t ask your permission to do that.
Don’t try to make sense of this post. It’s all musings and senseless. But in every stupidity there is a duty — a duty not to be another stupid (this doesn’t make sense too right?)
Anyway if having read thus far you expect me to continue you are wrong. And if you haven’t laughed once or twice your prole is huge. How can you not laugh at my terrible writing skills after reading this rubbish?